“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”  –Gilda Radner

Jennifer Hains is happy.  I’m so excited for 2009.   I’ve been doing lots of cleaning out - in numerous ways - making room for the new.  The thing I’m most jazzed about is getting rid of my car.  I’m a green city dweller. Sweetness.

2008 =  1) Grief is what splits the heart wide open and lets the love pour in and then flow out. 2) The only permanent thing is change. 3) Let go of the outcome.  4)  No regrets. 5) Now.  6) Have fun.

As we get ready for a new year so many people talk about resolutions. I prefer evolution. If you look at the definitions you might see why.  Evolution is a little bit softer. It’s about progress, not perfection.  We don’t beat ourselves up if it doesn’t happen overnight.  Yet, we know we’re on the way just by setting the intention.

Reach out for your goals, but don’t fixate on the end result. Most importantly, enjoy the process. Live. Love. Laugh. Learn.  Find the beauty in the ordinary moments and treat every day like it is the new year.  Take a bite and savor that delicious ambiguity!

My intention for 2009 is to follow charm and to chill as often as I can with laughter and love.  Yes, I have other goals too.  I’m getting there.

I send out all of my best wishes that you are blessed with beauty, love, grace, and goodness in 2009.  As my friend teases, I’m still all about, “Show me the abundance!”

Please be safe this evening, friends. 

Take it away Bob…

Let’s give thanks today for all that has been, all that IS, and all that is yet to come.

Life is so very good, friends.

I wish you all peace, joy, happiness, love, and laughter as you celebrate the holidays with friends and family.

There are so many blessings… 

Peace.

And…shake your tail feather.

Last night I bought the most kick-ass pair of winter boots my money could buy.  I am tired of cold and wet feet.  These suckers ROCK and they are adorable.  I’m serious, the folks at Tecnica know something about winter footwear.

I have trudged through snow, slush, water, wind, and more all day today.  My feet are still happy. 

This will be a full-on Jenn hibernation weekend.  I’m locking my door tonight, making homemade soup, lighting candles, watching old sappy holiday/love movies, reading the five million magazines I got while I was out of the country, sleeping, eating a giant cookie, sleeping some more, and laying around on my sofa to my heart’s delight.

God bless winter storms!

“For those who don’t yet understand themselves, it’s impossible that they might understand you.” –TUT, Notes from the Universe

This photo was taken on the opposite side of the bridge at the opposite time of the year and opposite time of the day as this photo.  Coincidence? I think not. 

On this particular night, I was walking to meet some friends for dinner at Karyn’s Cooked staring at the ground lamenting the freezing cold weather and wondering how my time in London went so fast.  Then, suddenly…I looked up and I saw this magnificent full moon over my beautiful city and I said, “Oh, hell yeah, Chicago!”  It was like the city wanted to show me all the love it had for me in this moment with a welcome home sign.

My time back so far has been filled with a lot of fun seeing old friends and sharing holiday cheer.  It’s also been filled with a bit of sadness, to be honest.  Being back in Chicago is an adjustment and with change comes the grieving of a loss. This time it is the loss of the life that I created in London and Europe.  The loss of one thing always brings up the past losses.  I thought there was a great quote by Michelle Williams recently about grief (and I don’t often quote movie stars) where she said, “I just wake up each day in a slightly different place—grief is like a moving river, so that’s what I mean by ‘it’s always changing’.” 

When I walked into my house the first time, I felt like there were a few ghosts there. I left in a much different form than I returned in body, mind, and spirit.

There were changes in me and through me in London.  And, changes here.  In my absence, many wonderful things happened in Chicago - for my friends and for me.  There are lots of new significant others and new babies born and on the way.  There are new jobs, new responsibilities, and changes to some of my old familiar places.  My company moved offices on my first day back and we’re in a stellar space where I have a 12th floor view of Lake Michigan. A big thank you to whoever organized that while I was away.  And…my dentist, of all people, sent out a huge newsletter to all of his patients highlighting PurePotentiality Coaching right next to a photo of Barack Obama, one of his other patients.  How cool is THAT?!

It’s snowing outside my window right now and I’m all bundled in a scarf.  I’m appreciating all of the goodness that is in this world. And, I’m appreciating the full range of emotions I’m feeling. I’m grateful that I get to spend the holidays in the warm Florida sunshine with my Mom.  I’m grateful that in six weeks I get to depart to India with my meditation teachers and other students for two weeks in an ashram to continue my evolution. And…I get to see the Taj Mahal. This is a dream come true for me.  I am so happy about this that I cry at times.

Shortly before my return, I had this vision of myself lying in my bed back in May.  I visualized holding my hand and kissing my forehead, my eyes, my lips, my belly, and then my feet.  I said to myself, “It’s ok, sweet girl.  It’s ok.  This will pass and this is the way to your dreams even if it feels like a giant set back.”

While I’m trying to savor the small moments these days, I’m also appreciating the fullness of my heart. In that fullness rests all of my hopes, desires, and dreams.  There is my past, present, and my future.  There is also my sadness, my happiness, my anger, my love, my excitement.  I embrace it all.

There are abundant blessings.  Most of them I can’t even see yet.

“Stop judging and you will not be judged.  Stop condemning and you will not be condemned.  Forgive and you will be forgiven.  Give and gifts will be given to you; a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing, will be poured into your lap.  For the measure with which you measure will in return be measured out to you.” — Luke 6:27-38

Last week when I was flying back to London from Cyprus, I was seated next to two guys who were both coughing a lot and not covering their mouths. Aside from wanting to ask where they were raised with such manners, I wanted to high tail it out of that row.  No way was I getting sick just in time to go home.  Miraculously, I noticed that the entire row in front of us was empty. So, at my first opportunity, I jumped up and took the window seat in that aisle. I got all cozy with a blanket and pillow. I put all my things in the middle seat and read for a bit. The aisle seat had the airline blankets in them with the bags still covering them.  Then I closed my eyes and started to drift off.

I opened my eyes just as a gentleman happened to wander by and said, “Is anyone sitting here?”  I said, “No.”  Mind you, I selfishly wanted to keep this little island all to myself.  So I went back to trying to sleep.  It was then that I heard these thuds on the seat next to me. Someone was throwing all of those blankets in the aisle seat onto my stuff in the middle seat.

I opened my eyes and it was that same guy.  This completely set me off.  Suddenly, in a burst of five-year-old-style temper tantrum, I threw the blankets on the floor and started kicking them under the middle seat. Let me tell you, friends, it wasn’t pretty. This was reinforced by the flight attendant who was standing beside this “invader” as well looking at me in shock.  After my fit, I closed my eyes again and heard him say, “If you didn’t want those there, you could have just said something.”  To which I replied, “I just didn’t want you putting those blankets on my stuff.”  He then sat down and said, “Is this yours?” about some random magazine.  It wasn’t mine. So then he threw it on the ground as well.  Lovely, we had created a seriously hostile situation and had four hours of flying time left.  Both of us pretending to sleep, arms folded, in a stand off.

I’m far too aware of myself at this point in my life. I realized I wasn’t angry at this guy on this plane.  I was angry about the fact that my life was once again changing (upcoming move) and I was pretty well powerless over the feelings that was bringing up in me.  When I’m feeling scared or anxious, it can sometimes come out as anger.  It’s called being a human being.  Most days I can take being human, but apparently my quota had been reached on this day.  However, a display like this one is highly unusual for me.  Having it directed at a stranger is even more bizarre.

So, I started the dialogue with myself, “Ok, Jennifer, this is NOT what you are all about and NOT what you want to be putting into the world.”  I went through the process of trying to figure out what was REALLY going on with me in that moment.  I then thought that I needed to say something to this guy because God knows we weren’t going to sleep or not interact with one another for four hours. Not with my bladder.

When I started to think of apologizing to him, I thought of all the possible things he might say to me. Maybe he’d tell me I was a real a-hole for the way I acted. I wondered if I might get an apology in return?  Maybe, maybe, maybe….And, then, I realized, it doesn’t really matter. The fact is that I can’t let things like that sit within me.   Resentments are not something I enjoy holding onto - small or large. They eat you up inside.  As I have been told, “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  I knew I needed to clear my side of the street and let go of the outcome.

So, I opened my eyes. I turned to him and I said, with a smile, “I’m really sorry for my behavior.”  He smiled and he said to me, “I forgive you.”  It was one of the more powerful moments of my life.  I actually had tears brimming.  Then, he offered me a chocolate, which was his own peace offering.

I share this story because we are coming upon the holidays and a new year.  It’s a time to let go of resentments, a time to put love into the world, and a time for joy and peace.

“Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.  So throw off the bowlines.  Sail away from the safe harbor.  Catch the trade winds in your sails.  Dream. Discover.” — Mark Twain

I landed back here in Chicago on Friday greeted in the airport with balloons, flags, confetti, and silly string ~ that I’m still trying to remove from my sweater. This was promptly followed by an authentic American breaky at one of my favorite diners.  I’ve spent the past 48 hours unpacking, sorting through a mountain of mail, meeting up with friends, calling family, and fighting off sleep in the late afternoons.  I think I’m winning.

I am also experiencing culture shock in returning to the States.  This was something people had mentioned to me in passing, but that I didn’t think much of at the time. For example, I haven’t driven a car at all since I’ve been gone - I walked or took public transit everywhere I went in Europe.  It seems rather over-the-top now to have a car to take to the market.  Speaking of the market, I have a serious bone to pick with Whole Foods over changing the 12-grain roll.  What did you do to my most beloved carb while I was away? Hmf.

The strange part about being away for so long is that I have changed or grown in this time, but so have the people here.  So it’s like I stepped out of a river and now I jump back in but it’s all in a completely different place.  “Same, same, different” as someone once explained to me.  Things also seem bigger, louder, and faster here.  I’m pretty much a minimalist, but when I returned to my apartment I was overwhelmed by how much stuff I had.  You would be amazed at how little you really need to live on in 3 months.  I received kudos from the airline attendant at check in for only needing two suitcases and two carry ons!

It’s a bit hard to put into words exactly what I am experiencing.  I’m finding it kind of cool though.  It’s not alarming, but I would guess it could be to some people. Instead, I’m enjoying observing my reactions.  It’s fun to see Chicago through new eyes.

Nearly every person I’ve seen has said, “Oh, I thought you would decide not to come back” or “Do you think you’ll stay in Chicago?”  The answer to that last question is “For now.” 

Of course you all know one of my immediate questions to myself and of the Universe was, “What now?”  I stopped myself there because I know that the answers will come forth to me. 

When I first met my meditation teacher in London, I remember her standing at the top of her stairs as I started to descend.  She said to me, “Take it easy, Jennifer.”  It was different than anyone else that has ever said it to me.  It was like someone saw inside my soul and knew I needed a good long rest.

So my plan now?  Take it easy. Enjoy the holidays.  Enjoy my friends and family. Enjoy being back at work here again in a new office!  Enjoy my favorite places and things to do, eat, play.  Enjoy this freezing cold weather.  Enjoy hibernating and watching a movie on my sofa..oh, the sweetness!

I want to let the past 14 weeks settle into my being for a bit.

It’s good to be. here. now.

“Ask and it is given.  Seek, and you will find.  Knock, and it will be opened for you.”             –Matthew 7:7

Cyprus in one word:  magical. What else would you expect from the birthplace of Aphrodite, goddess of love?  Cyprus has two things I love the most, the sea and the mountains.  To be honest, I spent the majority of my 4-day holiday there sleeping by the sea and getting spa treatments at my hotel, which comes highly recommended.

On the one day that I ventured up to the Troodos Mountains on a Jeep safari, there are two memories that will stay with me forever.  The first is riding in the passenger side of Chris’ Jeep as he drove down the winding roads from the mountains. The sun was setting and I loved the uncertainty of what might be around each corner as the sun was setting…and singing this song…

The second, stopping at a roadside Cypriot cafe at the end of the day. The moon was rising and you could see Mars and Venus beside it.  It was completely quiet except for the sound of the wind and the bells on the sheep being herded nearby.  All six of us sat on the veranda  - we drank mint tea (it’s been over 2 months since I gave up caffeine - crazy!) and fresh - so moist!! - coconut cake made by a grandmotherly type.  We just listened to nature and told stories of our lives - some from England, some from South Africa, and me from the US.  It was precious and time stood still.  I knew peace.

Yes indeed, it seems that love is in the air!  I received news this week of two very beautiful engagements.  My good friend, Dee Dee, and her beau, Peter, who met just seven months ago were engaged last Friday! So exciting.  I love those kinds of stories.  And….as I landed at Gatwick last night I turned on my mobile and there it was..a text from my little sister, Jenna.  She and her beau, Greg, are engaged.  This is just wonderful news.  My Dad is smiling down on the two of them, I know it.  I send them so much love and happiness.  I cannot wait to celebrate with all of them when I’m home.  But, I want to say to them now, thank you for helping the world believe in love.

In my last post I wrote a quote from John Lennon about marriage.  It’s not so much the idea of marriage that I liked about that quote. In fact, one of my favorite scenes in a movie is in Four Weddings and a Funeral when Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell are standing in the rain promising not to marry one another.  Isn’t really just about knowing yourself and getting one another? 

So, you may be asking, “I’m confused, do you believe in marriage or not?”  I believe in love.   I believe in lifelong partnership.  The person I end up with will get this. For me, the diamonds, the dresses, and the ceremony are all secondary. 

Most of the time, I know what I want, and when I don’t, I hope to find someone who can appreciate the questions and not be threatened by them. I want honor and courage. I want love. I want faith. I want fidelity. I want a family.  I want to bear witness to someone’s life and have them do the same for me in return.  I want to swing from the vines of trees in jungles - with someone and sometimes alone.  I want someone who will sing out loud with me around the bends in roads navigating the uncertainty of life. 

I want peace.

I want to laugh so hard I cry.

I want to eat cake.

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”          –Marcel Proust

This is a beautiful sculpture that sits in the All Hallows by the Tower church in London. I was moved to tears when I saw it the first time.  I can’t recall the title of it right now, but essentially it is a mother letting go of her child’s hand as he learns to walk and explore on his own.  It touched me for a number of reasons, but looking back on it now, I think it was symbolic of how I was feeling in leaving my home behind and embracing a new beginning abroad.  A little exciting and a little frightening.  Do I hold on or do I let go? Can I do both?

Having adjusted to my life in London, I don’t get those overwhelming feelings of sadness that I did in the beginning.  Yet, there I was last night watching a performance of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat when it hit me.  I won’t be home for Thanksgiving.  The tears welled up and it wasn’t because Joseph put on his dreamcoat.  In 34 years, I have never been away from home or a family on a holiday.  I realized, I’m a sentimental person.  I like that about myself.

I love Thanksgiving.  I love it because it is simply about being with the people you love. There is no pressure to do anything except sit and enjoy a meal in the company of those you love and who love you.  It’s true; I’m a family-kind-of-girl.

Today is just your average working day here in the UK.  In some respects, it’s pretty cool. Being part of a US-based firm, our email isn’t suddenly exploding at 2:30pm here today.  It’s nice and quiet.  I’m getting a lot done given my last day here is tomorrow.  Tonight I am meeting up with a good friend and we’re going to a Thanksgiving dinner with some of her American friends at their flat. 

Maybe the biggest reason I like Thanksgiving is because it is joyful. It’s joyful because it’s a day where we get to express gratitude.

I am grateful today for my amazing job, the unusual timing of a phone call I got last evening about my future, the blessing of living and traveling abroad for 3 1/2 months, my fun co-workers who brought me Oreos as an afternoon Thanksgiving treat, my meditation, my upcoming trip before heading home, the people reading this blog, the meal I will eat tonight to celebrate my American heritage, and I am always EVER so grateful for my family and my dear friends (old, new, in my life now…and not).  I send you every blessing.  Thanks for being YOU.

People have asked me when coming over for a visit, “Is there anything I can bring?” I always say, “Unless you can fit people in your suitcase, I’m afraid not.”

It’s true, “Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen.”

Hugs. Happiness. Goodness.

“Spring passes and one remembers one’s innocence. Summer passes and one remembers one’s exuberance. Autumn passes and one remembers one’s reverence. Winter passes and one remembers one’s perseverance.” — Yoko Ono

I did not intentionally post a John Lennon quote to be followed by a Yoko Ono quote.  In fact, I find it completely amusing –and so perfect– that while in Prague this past weekend I kept thinking of the quote above after last week’s post. I Googled it today only to find that it was Yoko Ono.  Love it.  In my Beatle mania last week I also found this quote by John Lennon, “Rituals are important. Nowadays it’s hip not to be married. I’m not interested in being hip.”  It’s just another reason for me to admire him.

I’m a bit of a romantic these days it seems.  I’m blaming it on Prague.  It is a divinely gorgeous place with enchantment at every turn. 

Getting there was a story that involved four hours at London Heathrow and four hours at Amsterdam Schiphol — NOT on an airplane.  My meditation teacher has said to me again and again, “Meditation doesn’t make you into this hippy-dippy-always-happy person. Instead, you behave appropriately to the situation.”  It may sound strange, but I credit meditation in my ability to remain relatively calm and stable after it taking me nearly 16 hours to get to a city that would normally take one about 5 hours to reach from London.

Was it worth the wait? Heck, yes.  I also happened to visit Prague right at the start of their winter.  We’re talking snow, sweaters, boots, jackets, and anything else to keep warm.  I adored the fact that there were street vendors selling thick hot chocolate and warm wine.  The smell of it!  I honestly kept expecting Dr. Zhivago to pull up next to me on his sleigh at any moment and whisk me off to his Russian estate.  Granted, that would have been a long sleigh ride.

One of the best experiences I had was dinner on Saturday night.  I have since told every girlfriend I have that their significant other MUST take them to Kampa Park if they are ever in Prague.  To start with I was seated with a river view — which is this covered patio complete with heat lamps, candles, and blankets for your lap.  On top of it, I had a view of the Charles Bridge with moonlight hitting the water along with swans (7 of them!!) and ducks floating past me. The meal was out of this world complete with a molten chocolate dessert (of course!!) with cardamom ice cream.  Unbelievable. I then walked back to my hotel room across the bridge in the snow to a warm bubble bath.  Is my life good, people, or is my life GOOD?!

Another very touching aspect of Prague was seeing the drawings made by Jewish children living in Terezin (ghetto) during World War II.  I was inspired by the story of Friedl Dicker-Brandeis and that she gave these children the opportunity to express their feelings through art.  What touched me deeply was to see photos of hope and happiness amidst such fear, chaos, and destruction. May God keep us all from ever having to experiencing something so horrific.

Other highlights of Prague: Kafka Museum (kind of funny, actually..you have to be there to understand), Mucha and Dali exhibit, Prague Castle (just seeing its majesty over the city is incredible), the astronomical clock chiming, a warm nutella crepe eaten in the middle of Old Town Square, purchasing an exquisite Czech garnet and 18K gold ring for myself because…just because (love, love, love it!), potato dumplings and sweet cabbage, a stop in Cartier, and so much more.  This is a city worth spending some time in again.  And, I will!

Also, I felt like I was in a giant cocoon in Prague.  I was all bundled up or under blankets in my hotel room and even eating foods meant for hibernation.  Also, my camera died on this trip. I took it as a sign that I needed to just BE even more than I was already just BEING.  I remembered what a yoga teacher told me once about savasna or “dead body” pose.  She said it was the most important pose even though you’re just lying there doing nothing.  When it seems the least is happening on the outside, the most is happening on the inside.  Just like a caterpillar in a cocoon waiting to emerge as a butterfly.

These days things are quiet.  Yes, I may be moving around a bit on the outside, but I am quiet on the inside. I’m ok with the quiet. In fact, I’m content in the quiet.  Yes, this Yoko Ono is seeking her John Lennon.  As I said to her last week, “I will wait for as long as it takes.”  I deserve it.

“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.”  — John Lennon 

I am grateful these days.  Grateful to get to wake up in the morning. Grateful to live this beautiful life.

My weekend was full of fun and for most of it I felt like a 10-year-old again.  I was “one with life.”  Everything seemed brand new to me.  The holiday lights up near Oxford Circus are captured in the photo above. Aren’t they divine?!  They are giant sheets of lights shaped like stars making the sky appear to be this purple color.  As I said to Sonya, “It was so romantic!” She laughed. I was serious.  I had also just gotten my hair done, which does make you feel refreshed.  Anyway, I also highly recommend this new veg spot in Soho: tibits.  It’s a great spot for meeting up with a friend for a healthier alternative.

Saturday was a real treat. I went on a Beatles walking tour with London Walks.  Yes, I am a Beatles girl.  To be exact, I’m a John Lennon lovin’ Beatles girl.  Always have been, always will be.  Sorry, Sir Paul.  So…I took full delight in walking around for two hours hearing endless Beatles trivia and seeing the places where they made music, loved, and lived.  I even got to cross Abbey Road.  Richard, our tour guide, was maybe the highlight of it all. He was wearing a Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band jacket and actually holds the title, “Beatles Brain of Britain.”  Fabulous.  Fabulous.  Oh, I’ve got stories, friends.

Saturday night I was emotionally moved.  I went to see a play called The Long Road at the Soho Theatre.  It is in association with The Forgiveness Project. If you haven’t heard of this project, I strongly encourage you to read their site and the associated stories. One of the characters in the play said forgiveness is something she wanted to move toward even if it is a long road. Hm, so true.  A book I read recently talked about how the grieving process is also named the forgiveness process. It struck me that the two are the same and I never realized this.  They both have an end result of acceptance.  You may not be saying what happened was right or wrong, but you are saying it IS what happened and moving forward from there.

When I first came over here, things felt kind of scary.  Obviously my world had changed dramatically and it seemed everything else was too…economic meltdowns and presidential elections, you name it.  When this starts to happen, I think our human tendency is one of fear and to believe there may not be enough. 

So I decided to counteract this.  I decided that I would give away 10% of my paycheck each payday while I was abroad to worthwhile causes (deemed to be so by me!).  I donate on a regular basis already to various organizations, but I felt like this was my way of saying I won’t subscribe to this culture of fear. I will live in abundance.  I tell you this not because I want recognition for giving, but because I want to share how I dealt with my own feelings of anxiety and scarcity.  This time I have decided to give to The Forgiveness Project because I think it just such a beautiful undertaking.  We need more peace in this world. 

I visited Brighton on Sunday. It’s on the southern coast of England, a little over an hour on the train from central London.  As I have said time and time again, I love the sea.  Brighton is one of those places that I’d like to just plop down and spend some serious time in if I had the chance.  In fact, I might live there if given the choice.  It has a bohemian quality to it that draws me.  It also has a wonderful boardwalk and pier.  I ate fresh seafood at this great all-glass built restaurant right on the water with the sun reflecting nicely. This was followed by my favorite dessert - a warm, gooey, brownie with hot fudge and vanilla ice cream. I’ve made it part of my mission to find a hot molten chocolate dessert in every city I visit in Europe.  After lunch in Brighton, I headed for the pier and took a ride on the carousel (I racked my brain this morning trying to think of what we call these at home - yes! merry-go-round  - this really does start to happen where you forget things like that)…this was the BEST part of my weekend. I laughed and laughed and laughed..what beats a ride on a carousel right next to the sea in England? 

Not much.